Danica Patrick's Super Bowl

If it was Jeopardy, the answer would be Danica Patrick's beaver. The new Audi A-8. Planters Cashews. I don't drink that much beer anymore and my American four-by-four Jeep only rides on Goodyears, so no Bridgestones, thank you. But nice ads.

Super Bowl Commercials for Two Point Five Million Dollars, please.

What do you get for two and a half mil? Oh, Victoria Secrets if I was in the market for some nice lacy lingerie. I'm not. Career Builder.com? Yeah yeah, yeah, okay, I know.

But Danica unzipping her sleek black fire suit? The Unibrow chick getting ga ga looks from all the guys and the riveting homage to 'The Godfather' with the Hollywood producer guy waking up with his car? Great stuff. So how many Audis, how many cans of Planters and oh, baby, I wasn't looking for a secure domain site for my blah blah blog but Danica's creating a need. Go Daddy.

Were the ads better than Eli Manning's fourth quarter drives, both of them clutch, elusive, scrambling and desperate against an aging and tired Pats defense that clinched one of the biggest Super-upsets in NFL history? No.

But that's football, and the category here is Super Ads for 2.5M.

The challenge continues to be getting anyone under the age of thirty to pay attention for more than, oh, say, five seconds. You've got thirty seconds total, gotta do it in five, just about as much time as it takes to say 'sack Tom Brady.' And fork over two and a half million dollars. That's a lot of cashews.

So in America's mega-event, the uniquely American spectacle that can teach the political parties a thing or two about inclusiveness, the stage reached out to Alicia Keyes for some pre-game lip sync, Jordin Sparks for a stirring National Anthem and a hell of a first half that only put up ten points.

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers were nice, serving up hits that looked like they were really playing them.

Tom Brady and his Heartbreakers followed and he took plenty of his own hits. And they didn't look like they were really playing.

For accuracy, Danica didn't totally unzip, referring us to the Go Daddy website for the un-cut version. And of course there I go Monday morning after coffee and reading the Times sports section wrap-up. There's Danica looking good, getting silly with the guys and that's exactly what we want. Nothing fancy. Just indulge us for a little while. A world class driver just good looking enough, enticing us in that jump-suit-uniform thing that every guy wants to unzip. Unzipping is good. Anything, anytime, anywhere, znzipping usually means something good is about to happen.

Now I said take the Giants and the points and I was right. But I thought the Pats would win it, hands down. I was wrong. But I wasn't the only guy who was wrong.

But if you want a sure thing, as sure as two and half million dollars can buy, take two unlikely young ladies, like Danica and the Unibrow chick, and make them sexy as hell and rub it in our noses. Literally. It doesn't take a lot of special effects and over-the-top silliness to sell. Don't make people look stupid like almost all the ads that use an office setting. Someone's always the loser and out of touch in those cubicles. Be a little bit sexy, little bit funny, totally cool and maybe most of all, make sure everyone gets it. None of this message stuff that's over everyone's head except some obscure demo of eighteen to thirty-four year old gamers who live in a basement. Real girls, real guys, real products that we can use, and by the way, one of the best Super Bowls in memory, and there you go. Heat and serve.

Like Tom Petty's song 'American Girl', the Super Bowl is America's sporting event. For us, for the troops overseas, for anyone who will watch. One game, more fun, more hype, more television eye-candy than you can dream up on a bad hair day. The other icons of sport just don't measure up. Kentucky Derby? Flat. The World Series is great but it doesn't have two weeks of build up and nonsense and it takes ten days to play. Indy Five Hundred? Danica, just win that one, please, and make it special again?

The Super Bowl is an economic stimulus package in one day. Just give us more Super Bowls, more commercials, more great games, and more Danica Patricks. There's cash burning a hole in my pocket. Just tell me how to spend it. And bring on Danica Patrick in a fire suit. Hot Hot Hot. Next year I'm hoping to see Maria Sharapova taking it to the next level for Tag Heuer. It's about time, isn't it?

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